Miss America,

We used to watch Miss America every year, and then we had the misfortune to go to Kentucky, and not just Kentucky, but Louisville Kentucky. And it was there that we received our formal education about real pageants.

We went to a cattle show called the North American International Livestock Exposition. That’s the place to have a cow judged if you want to be anything in the cow world. The first time we watched the dairy cows get judged we felt a little disgusted. Not at how the cows are judged, but how closely it resembles a beauty pageant. The cows are primped and combed, clipped and blown, painted and hair sprayed. Someone even walks behind the cow with a paper towel to wipe its bottom whenever it has an attack of nature. Then someone (usually an FFA kid) parades the cow, along with a bunch of other cows, around in a circle while a judge walks around all the cows and judges them on their carriage, their disposition, their udders, how they walk with full udders, their legs, how straight their back is, their gait, awkwardness and other things. Then the judge picks the one cow that best displays the requirements of a good breeding cow and suddenly that cow’s babies are worth a lot of money.

So we learned why cows are judged, and that it's beneficial. But what does it benefit anyone that some girl is judged to be Miss America? What has a Miss America ever done for us? Certainly not world peace, for “there is no peace for the wicked” and there’s a lot of wicked people in this world.

What does Miss America do for us? Maybe we’re just ignorant, but we don’t know; but we can tell you what a cow does for us, “Milk” “Steak” “Milk” “Steak”.

And one more thing before we go…

“Do you have any milk to go with that steak?”